Family Blog | www.jayreimer.com | Jay Reimer

Stage 2

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 13:35:36 +0900

Life is made of busyness, joy and sadness. We are always in the midst of one or the other or some combination of the three.

We have been in Korea for six months now. During that time one of the initial stages of emotion is excitement to live in a new place, learn a new language, see new things, meet new people, learn new ways of doing things. [Last post was a rave abut the new school, titled, "What is so great abut GSIS?] But that fades as you deal with the chores of life: working, shopping, cleaning up.

Next you begin to feel the loss. Life is hard in a new place. Ingredients for your favorite food are not all available at the grocery store. The grocery store smell strongly of fish - which you can tolerate but do not enjoy. TV is mostly in Korean (of course). The language is interesting but you can only speak a few words and cannot talk in conversation. Ordering in restaurants is tedious and sometimes unsuccessful. People are kind but you question whether you can really be a friend with someone from a different culture because you think differently and have different values.

There are future stages, but we are in stage 2 now. Sensitive Kylie is mourning her friends from Toledo: Megan, Ellie, Jenny, Abby. She also misses the animals she loved so much like Tsehi, Tazarmina, Sally and others. When she comes home the house has 3 gerbils but they do not provide companionship like a cat or dog and they are definitely not animals you can pet and sleep with and snuggle. Kylie misses climbing trees, walking in the woods, playing in Salmon Creek, being outside.

Amy misses her friends like Lauren, Sarah, Sally, Grace, Lilly but she is also making friends. She does miss her cat, Sally, and especially having the time to sit and dream. Although in Toledo, Amy dreamed of one day living in an apartment, she now says that she never realized how nice life was in Toledo. In Toledo she had a big yard to play in, she had her own animals, she could bike to friends houses.

Beth misses time to visit with friends and play with her kids. She is so busy as a teacher that there is barely time to make meals so we choose to eat out. She is making friends but misses some wonderful ladies in Toledo, like Becky Oullette, Sean Brown, Terri van Vleck, Becky MacElhaney, Sue Martin, Lin Grey. She also misses her companion Tsehi, who used to follow her everywhere and always be ready for a pet or a snuggle and ecstatic each time Beth returned home from, well, from anywhere! We learned Tsehi ran away from her new home because for her the transition was also very difficult.

When you are in a season of mourning everything else pales in significance. You have a big grief in your lap and you feel so sad. Well intentioned friends deliver "words of comfort" or instructions on how to feel better, but it is un-comfort-able. You are legitimately sad and just need to be loved while you go through it. Don't give us assurance or advice; just bring a cup of coffee and sit with us. Give a hug, listen and let us talk. We want to be heard; valued; accepted; loved.

Thanks.

What's so great about GSIS?

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 01:19:36 +0900

(Part 1)

borrowed from a letter to my favorite science teacher - Chuck Caley, in Toledo

1. Living in Korea obviously new food, incredibly hard working and motivated people who go out of their way to help.

2. Vision oriented leadership You have to hear our headmaster talk about his vision for kids and for character building and academics. WOW! Here the leaders LEAD and the caliber of teacher is remarkable. I was "called on the carpet" by my vice principal (in a nice way) last week and walked out of his office with a clearer vision of the difference between formative and summative assessment as well as a desire to do better and be better. That's the kind of boss everybody needs!

3. Gifted kids This one is a double edged sword. Since it is a private expensive school, obviously they are the cream of the economic crop and that means you have few "poor" kids (if they're here they're here on scholarships) so the opportunity to "help the needy" is less... Well it seems less on the surface until you get to know the kids and then you realize all kids are similar with similar needs regardless their parents income level! Anyway, with parents who are CEOs, PhDs in physics or medical doctors, heads of comapnies, etc., these kids have good brains and use them (for the most part! :)

4. Supportive parents During teacher conferences last week I talked stead to parents from 1:00 pm till 8:00 pm with only 30 minutes for supper then the next day from 9:00 am to 3:00 with a one hour break and about a 30 minute pause. Wow! All these kids have moms and dads who want them to do well and want to talk to you about what THEY (the parents) and the kids can do to bring their grades up from 89% to 95% or how to motivate them. Yesterday in math a girl shoved something under the table when I glanced at her in class so I went to see if it was a cell phone and it turns out it was supplementary work in math that her parents want her to do to build her skills even while she is in school and taking classes! Isn't that amazing? And while it is high demand and high work and high stress, it is part of the culture and the way they do it. AMAZING!

Amy: Chandeliers & doctor fish

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 01:18:38 +0900

Here's what we did last weekend.

We where invited to go on a staff school retreat so of course we would never refuse to have fun so we said we yes.Well guess what happened --Bentely got sick.So mom, being the kind mother she is, said she would stay with Bentely and we could go to the retreat. So Dad, Kylie and I went on the retreat. It was a 2 hour bus trip but eventually we made it. The hotel we got to stay at was amzing! It had crystal chandeliers in the lobby. There was a ball room and a dinning hall. It was so fancy.

There wear nine floors.But one weird thing is there is never a fourth floor in hotels because the word four sounds exaclty like the word for "death."

Well back to the trip.The meals at the retreat were so good there were two big tables full of food.

Our room had three beds,one tv,one frig, and one bath room.In the entry way their is a slot that you put your room card into to turn on the lights. It turns on and off all the lights in the apartment.More than once Kylie took the card out when I was in the shower. It was so maddening.

There was a theme park in the hotel.They also had public baths. There was two rooms one for men and one for women. I tried the public baths with Lois, Sarah, Alex (a girl!), Lydia and Kylie. It was so much fun and a little embarrassing, but I am glad I tried it.

There was also a bowling ally in the hotel that was cool to. We also did that.

In the pool area they had doctor fish which are small fish that eat dead skin.

I tried swimming with doctor fish it was so much fun. Once you got in they would come in swarms and start eating your dead skin it is actually really healthy for you. When they are done, your feet feel really smooth!

The next day Alex, Lilly, Katreana, Kylie, Miss Vicente ,Hannah and I went to two art museums and a place where you can make pottery. I made a half bowl half plate clay thing and after they dry it the people at the clay place will send it to the school.

Kylie: Starting to feel like home

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 01:18:08 +0900

Well I think that Korea is getting to feel like home. I still miss the wide open spaces of Washington though. The people around here are getting to know us but it's a weird feeling not having people trust you! like it's totally understandable, cuz well we don't know each other. But I've never really had to make that trust from stage one. I just kinda took it for granted I guess. Cuz we always trust each other. But that's just some thing we need to work on.

School is heavy! There's always lots of home work! But the first report came through the other day, and I did OK so I suppose I'll be fine. I got mostly B- and B+, but I did get like one C+. How ever I got straight A+ in Algebra which is really awesome. I'm very pleased seeing as I knew nothing about algebra whatsoever! So yeah school is going OK. I'm really looking forward to going to the middle school lock-in this week end it's going to be a blast! Oh and Mr. Pash, the band teacher is going to teach me to play the bass. Well I hope so! He needs it in the orchestra so I have been requested to play. I'm really excited!

My friends and I went to Noriebong after church to day it was so much fun! I love noriebong. It's actually called Karaoke in the US, but it is totally different here then there! They don't serve alcohol and each party gets there own room and picks the songs they want to sing. Alex and I sang The Phantom of the Opera. We actually got 99 (your performance is graded out of 100)! I'm trying to get her to sing it with me for GSIS-idol this year. She says no way but I still have time to change her mind! Hannah wants to sing Irreplaceable. I don't know. I think if Alex won't be swayed I'll sing it with her. :) Man there is so much to do here!

Reference Points

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 01:17:06 +0900

When I watched my sheep push their fuzzy heads through the range fence to reach the greener grass I focused on their foolish penchant for looking "elsewhere" toward what seems better place. This lesson, definitely, I could apply to my life.

But time changes a number of things, such as

• the commodities I regard being valuable;

• the depth and quantity of relationships;

• my geographic location;

• the interests and preoccupations that swirl in my brain;

-and the meaning of important events like sheep poking their heads through my fence.

Fences not only separate areas and define the boundaries of activities. Fences are physical landmarks that give us points of reference for our activities. In fact, fences are perhaps an inferior analogy to trees and buildings: practical objects that possess unique observable features which we use to orient ourselves when determining direction.

During the routine activities of each day, I rarely think about how the requirements of those activities and the compulsory time they occupy give me a framework for my time, for my personal goals and for my sense of being. Now that my "frameworks" are being removed, I have a poignant sense of craving reference points. Simple events like what time do I need to wake up on Saturday? Do I have construction assignments on the house to complete, like wiring the hallway light fixtures? Is there some overdue maintenance like cleaning leaves from the gutters? No; none of that is necessary so...with nothing that needs doing, what do I want to do? I; uhm, am not sure what I want to do, being out of practice in considering that question.

Yesterday at church we received a kind, "farewell!" from our local Christian body. The kind words and tears and smiles were appreciably received. Lunch at a local restaurant with a thoughtful pastor and his wife was a gentle introduction to the idea that we are now cut loose from that body.

The challenge is obviously to live a righteous life in a rational way, while straining to perceive the cues to action when the familiar indicators are absent.

I realize one challenge for refugees: Not just the dramatic loss of material goods or "simple, " uprooting, but the evaporation of normal reference points and cues. What does a clever businessman do when he is separated from the organization of goods and service tht he is familiar with? Without contacts and means of communicating, what does he do with his time? How will he provide for his wife and children without a means of support?

[By the way, where are these stories from refugees about living in camps. They make a huge proportion of the worlds population and yet they do not exist so that we can read them.]

On, "This American Life" last Saturday, the host told stories of summer camps and camping in the U.S.A. One of the themes that provides a powerful point of attachment for children in this peculiar type of camping, is the role of ritual at camp. Ritual events like the "turtle monster" coming out of the lake to collect a camper at the Monday night bonfire, or selecting team leaders for "color days competition" on the basis of merit and leadership. These are touchstones for years into adulthood; reference points by which campers later evaluate mature life experiences; landmarks by which adults will make decisions

Another "last"

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 01:16:28 +0900

Dad did not mind my hot, sweaty hug this morning. Mom said, "Goodbye, 117 Lone Yew Road," as she hugged Bentley in her arms before setting him down to climb into the car and zoom away to join the lemmings headed north on interstate 5. We pensively stood on the porch, with the smell of Japanese exhaust in the air and the humidity of imminent rain, wondering about the future as the buzzing motor faded away.

The impact of Donna's reflective comment made me think the significance of events that daily swirl around us are often beyond our perception, no matter how much we strain to see them, until a salient comment or epiphany sucks out our breath.

Of course I know I am leaving my home; of course I know that means "goodbye," but it somehow has more significance when one of your parents says "goodbye."

And when your son asks a few minutes later, "Papa: Nana? Papa: Grampa?" and I tell him they are going to Canada. Which he absorbs as best he can. He just learned, "home" and he cannot possibly understand there are other degrees of home, like grandparents' home, our coming new home, even former homes in Canada and Ethiopia. Bentley's quiet query emphasizes our responsibility to make him always feel at home. The parents' role to protect their children, even when you can't, made sentimentally sad by its hopelessness.

Today is June 4; we leave on June 23. Less than three weeks to the end of Transition Phase 1: Leaving.

Identifying who we are

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 01:15:20 +0900

A blank wall suggests many things: opportunity, decorative potential, empty location. A blank wall also infers questions about your identity. Watch.

We had a busy day on Monday. Since it was Memorial Day we went for our annual 5 km race in Elma, Washington, but instead of running it myself, since I was unprepared, I watched Skyler Sorsby, my racing buddy, collect first place with a 22:00 time. Once the race was run we headed home to collect the children, because... The previous Friday we learned, from a phone call Beth made, that,after 12 weeks in process, Amy and Bentley's passport applications are "suspended." Thanks to a phone call, due to God's taking care of us, we got a Seattle appointment for this coming Wednesday to "petition" the issues. All this means that after the race, we went home and had to gather the kids to go to Centralia so that Amy and Bentley could get NEW passport photos. I guess when they suspend a passport application, the pictures are also suspended? Who makes this stuff up? In addition we all need more passport photos for our Korean visas.

Concurrent to all these events, we had to be out of our home so our purchasing friends could show their/our house off to their family. At the same time Amy was at a friends house and Kylie had a friend staying over at our house. The weekend carried a lot of emotions and overlapping this was a layer of anxiety for the piano recital coming up next Saturday.

So when we got home Monday evening, after the race, after the photos, after dropping friends off at their home, after driving in the hot car most of the day, we walked into our "home" and Kylie went to sit at the piano to relieve some stress by sitting and playing the piano ... which was not there.

Kylie burst into tears. She sobbed for the loss of a friend: her piano. She sobbed for the loss of familiarity and routine; the piano has been sitting in the same place for 4 years-as long as Kylie's been played piano! She cried for the suddenness of change: she had no idea the piano was even being picked up soon.

She said, with greater revelation than she intended, that playing the piano was part of her identity. She meant that the presence of the piano and herself playing it was a kind of reference in her life. Practicing was something she was made to do each day and it was a skill that she is well developing. Being a "piano" player was something that she thought of herself as and something she was knwo to do and be good at by others. Suddenly this component of her life is extracted and while she still exists

So with a week to go before a piano recital Kylie and Amy have no piano.

Things I treasure

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 01:10:52 +0900

Saturday afternoon, in the misting drizzle, a red Nissan pickup pulled in and out jumped a guy a bit older than me with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. and he wanted to look at my old beater truck. After some miscellaneous conversation (in which I learned some interesting things, such as his dad was born in the hospital in Toledo back in nineteen-twenty-something before it burned down) he told me he heard about the truck from a neighbor of mine. I asked him for $500.00 but in a short time I had sold it and made 25% profit (cost of $100.00 and $100.00 in taxes and licensing and I sent it on for $250.00.) Not going to make a living that way but it was one more small task completed and one less component in my life that needed attention now. Wow... little by little things are getting done.

I need to be cognizant along the way of the "goodbyes" though. Reflecting on that, it was the 5th truck I have owned here and all them were a bit of an adventure. In glorious order:

(1) The "mouse hotel" I got from Joe Martin which smoked so much while driving that we carried a fire extinguisher when we had to drive farther than 10 miles

(2) The $700.00 GM that was a real guy's truck (though I did peel the 36 inch Harley Davidson sticker off the back window). This truck must have had a local reputation before I bought it because I got pulled over at least twice-in Toledo-while driving it.

(3) The red Chevy [see above] that all 4 (that's four!) of us took on a camping trip to Canada along with 2 dogs (the trip when Poppy Seed got parvo virus and vomitted for two days during camping near Penticton...)

(4) The green truck under which I shorted the starter on across my wedding ring and badly burnt my finger-giving me a permanent wedding ring scar. That truck I never got running but still was able to sell for $400.00.

(5) This good running truck looked like moving scrap, painted flesh color (even though the title generously indicated it was "tan.") It started well, but stopped very poorly as the master cylinder was out and I had to STAND on the pedal. I just began using very generous following distances and slowing down by gearing down. We carried sheep and garbage and lumber in it. With one of Beth's inspirations, this truck also helped us paint the house: I backed it up to the house or parked it VERY close alongside, and, by putting plywood down on the cargo rack, I stood on the platform 6 feet above the ground and could reach most of the second story walls!

These trucks have been incidental parts of life here, and now-almost inadvertanly-they are quiety gone. I guess they were more important to me than they were to anyone else in the family, naturally, and I feel sad to see them go. Now, quietly, they are all gone with only a few reminders left. There are piles of cut grass on the lawn that I was going to rake into the truck and haul away-looks like it will be with a wheelbarrow now instead. And the spare tire I forgot to put in the truck is leaning against the tractor shed.

What I think!

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 01:10:21 +0900

[Kylie] Well from our point of view ("our point" being us kid's point ) this whole moving thing is slightly insane! If you really think about it we are leaving all we have known for the past 9 years to start a new life in a place that none of our family has ever been! Yes we all are definitely crazy! But not altogether unexcited or truly worried.? I fact I am starting to truly ummmm.... warm up to the idea! My parents have traveled the word and now us kids get that chance! Now if one that is not exciting well I'm not sure I now what is! It's a once in a life time chance and we are taking it one step at a time!

A Culture of Generosity

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 01:08:43 +0900

Relocation inevitably encompasses loss. Different members of my family are giving up different things to make "Korea" an opportunity for me and all of us:

Bentley is giving up stability to move to his third continent and third language in three years [please pray for him in both regards!];

Beth is giving up freindships, living space, gardening, Tsehi (her dog), flowers, and independence (we won't have a car in Korea);

Kylie and Amy are both giving up developing relationships with some great kids, birthday parties with, a big yard, canoeing on the river, homeschooling, and camping in summer.

To help mitigate the negative affect of these losses we are trying to sensitively manage them. One of Beth's good ideas to reduce the affect of missing birthday's with their friends was for the girls to take a couple friends to Seattle for a weekend. We took our kids and two friends to Seattle in April and stayed in a hotel with a pool (hear the splashing?), went to the Space Needle, spent a morning touring IKEA, and all the girls got their hair braided by an Ethiopian lady met through a kind restaurant owner (Marta of the Salaam Restaurant in Seattle on Cherry Street near Seattle University.)

While eating roasted lamb and other Ethiopia food for lunch, Marta gave us direction to her friends house (whom we had never met before). The following day, Sunday, after breakfast we went to her friends apartment in Kent, met her friend (who speaks no English) and a second Ethiopian friend of Marta's who does speak English!) One lady translated what the girls wanted done with their hair and the braiding began!

Braiding takes a lot of time and while the girls were having their hair braided, we were kindly given coffee in an informal Ethiopia coffee ceremony. Our hostess explained that with young children (like Bentley) she does not do the ceremony sitting on the floor as is normally done. For the sake of convenience and the child's safety she took out some coffee beans imported from Ethiopia, roasted the beans on the stove by hand, ground them in an electric Braun grinder, them put them in a traditional clay "jubehnah" and boiled the coffee on the electric stove.

The whole event was a real treat to receive the kind hospitality of these two women we had never met before and have them braid the girls hair and give us the gift of REAL coffee as well as their time (the whole event took about 4 hours of steady work). It was a little window into the generosity of people from the "third" world. It was a lesson not lost on any of the children and such a fragrant reminder to me of the wonderful people of the country of Ethiopia.

Garage Sale

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 01:01:19 +0900

In the past few weeks we have gotten over several hurdles involved in moving a family to another country. The time line bringing us to the present is roughly:

Hurdle #1 After the most intense weekend of my life, at a job fair for international school which was held in Iowa, in February, I got a new job teaching at an international school in Korea this next year.

Hurdle #2 We decided to sell the house we bought and enlarged because, our time in Korea is indefinitely defined and renting it out from that distance brought logistical problems we did not appreciate. God provided a buyer-and not just any buyer: we will be selling it to some friends of ours that we think very highly of: Jaime and Steve Ethridge-and their 6 great kids!

Hurdle #3 Sorting, choosing, packing, giving, selling and discarding. After the laborious exercise of separating and sorting stuff (perhaps correctly called junk) we made:

pile (a) to go to Korea (with suppiles for each person);

pile (b) to be stored in Canada at Jay's parents' home (because we cannot bear the thought of living without "someday" seeing or holding these objects and images again);

pile (c) to be distributed to people as they variously purchased/asked/or were gifted it;

pile (d) goods to be sold for cash-hence the GARAGE SALE to spend on...more stuff?

So check back for some graphic images of this event!

Disorientation

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 01:01:19 +0900

[Thanks Kylie for letting me use this picture that fits the title! :)]

I have been experiencing disorientation. The past couple days I sit at my desk during my preparation period (no students) and I experience disorientation. I am not "into" teaching here, now because I too am about to move on. So I poke around on the internet looking for deals on computer hard drives or shop for tents for camping or grade few papers and cast around with a sense of restlessness. In my mind I even have thoughts of, "Maybe I should go to school to be an engine mechanic..." or "How will I be happy in Korea when it is Africa/Ehtiopia that calls out my passions" and it is sort of free time for a wandering mind. For 5 months I cannot get out of bed earlier than 7:00 (the last possible minute to get to school on time) because, "I can get by today without extra work" feeling or "what difference does it really make?"

I think, looking ahead to moving, coupled with multiple detachment events that are the normal precursor, like garage sales, selling the house, taking the sheep to a neighboring farm, naturally take away some of the aspects of my life that, even unintentionally perhaps, give me a context for my thinking and my activities. Being stripped of the context for "me" for who I am, means that my thoughts and actions have no boundaries to reflect off of and my thoughts, as I send them out, fail to find a reflective surface and continue on into infinite space without reflecting to my mind, without telling me, as it were: who I am, what I am responsible to do, who I am responsible for, what actions are good and not good, what activities I should engage in.

Yesterday I began telling myself, "I am a Christian, I am a man, I am a teacher, husband, father." and that helps give me a framework for my thoughts. This morning for the first time this year, I got out of bed at 6:15 (it has been not until 7:00 like I mentioned, all year) telling myself, "I am a Christian [implying the necessary activity of reading my Bible and praying] I am a teacher [implying I need to grade some papers and have a lesson] I am a husband [meaning I need to treat my wife kindly and just get out of bed instead of annoy her by putting her through an hour long cycle of five minute snooze alarms]." That somehow helps give me context for my life.

I don't know if it is weird or not to have almost a separate life inside my head that I have to adapt my activity to accomodate, since my lif is the only one I know!

Refugees must go through something similar. Imagine being faced with such violence, or threat thereof, that you feel you must collect your family and run. You travel and end up (to varying degrees) at a location that is unfamiliar; your livlihood is absent, needs are present but you lack any resources or references for meeting them. Wow. Even as an intentional refugee I experience disorientation. It makes me see the stories of Darfur in a different light.